my biggest fear…

As a mother my biggest fear is dying young and leaving my child without his mother. Would he know how much I love him? Would he always feel sad when all the other mommies are at school sport events or field trips and his mother isn’t? Would he even remember me? 

So today my biggest fear was realized when I found out a friend of mine- a 40 year old mother of 5- has possibly been diagnosed with a lung disease that gives her 3-4 years to live. Now she’s waiting on her 3rd Dr. opinion to come in and we are praying every second that the first 2 opinions were wrong. She has young children- very young. I can’t even imagine the horror she is feeling right now. I’d be crawling out of my skin thinking of all the things I’d miss with Grayson. The little things like him getting up at 4am to come in our bed, needing my help to wipe his booty or get his shoes on. The sweet hugs and kisses that I just breath in like oxygen. I’d miss everything- his life, and his life is my life. My days are revolved around Grayson and his schedule- I’d do anything to make him smile. 

So right now my biggest fear is happening to a friend. All I can do is pray for her. 

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happy valentines day

to my little angel and my wonderful husband,

happy valentines day to the 2 boys that make my life worth living. Chris I’ve been in love with you for 12 years now you’ve been such an amazing partner. You’ve helped me grow into a better person. You’ve supported me and given me confidence in myself. I think it’s sweet that you still check me out and think I’m pretty. I adore your texts during the day saying you love me and miss me. I love you so much sweetie. 

and my little angel, Grayson: I’ve been in love with you since you were in my tummy and the size of a pea. You are the definition of true love. I could not live without you. You are happy from the moment you wake up in the morning, always smiling and joking. You have such an imagination and keep reminding me the game we are playing is “just pretend mommy”.  You are my joy and I love every moment I spend with you. While you’re asleep I look at pictures of you on my phone and laugh at all the funny things you’ve said and done that day. 

For example: your swim teacher Ms BJ gave you a valentine Pez today and you giggled and squealed and said “oh that’s adorable!” I cracked up- you’ve got an sweet, innocent, caring heart and I’m so proud of you already!!!

I do have another little boy named Bruiser (our yorkie). He’s 10 years old now and sleeps a lot, has bad breath, and barks a lot. But I adore him and he does get the shaft a bit now that we have Grayson, but I do make sure he gets at least one walk a day. Walks are his favorite thing! 

Today Grayson asked me what Bruiser’s favorite thing to do was and I said our walks. Then he asked about Daddy’s fav thing: I said playing with you Grayson. Mommy’s fav thing is playing with Grayson too of course. Here’s Grayson’s favorite thing to do…wait for it…changing light bulbs!! what??? he’s 3- trust me he’s never changed a light bulb. Where does he get this stuff? So funny. 

LOVE MY BOYS!!!

oh bless his heart…

I suppose I might say this too often… at first I used “oh bless her heart” when I thought someone was stupid or just not all there- it was more of a dig. However, over the last year I’ve used it more honestly- if someone I love is sick, hurt, or just going through a hard time. When I say “bless his heart” now I actually mean it. I’ve evolved I suppose- or I’ll at least give myself credit for trying. I didn’t realize how often I said it until yesterday my son said it. I was telling him how his cousin Dylan had the flu and had been throwing up. Grayson said “oh bless his heart”. It was a proud moment for me I have to admit because it shows that I’m doing my job in teaching him empathy. It’s such an important quality that I want to instill in him. People matter, their feelings matter! So I’m taking this and feeling good about it because there’s no telling what tomorrow will bring- he could revert to saying “stinky poopy baby” which he learned from his friend Baylor at preschool.

On another note, my grandmother paid me a huge compliment the other day. She loved a thank you note I had written her and said I should have been a writer. It made me so happy because I had always wanted to be a writer (secretly of course). She said I had a way with words. Thanks Grandma.